The Same Age.

Rebekah, my sweat girl, is 5. Her days consists of rolling out of bed, going to school, playing with friends, reading, playing with Caleb, painting her finger nails (pink of course), playing with her toys, doing her homework and watching her beloved TV! Pretty normal for a 5 year old. I love it, she is happy, content and trying to figure out her 5 year old boundaries.

I was awoken a few nights ago thinking about my childhood, what little i remember of it. When I was 5 years old I was dealing with feelings of being alone and abandoned by my dad. I can remember that day that he left. We lived in a two story house in Chula Vista, CA. There was a front formal living room and my mom and dad had green and yellow flowered couches. It was a beautiful set that my dad had bought for my mom. My mom stood at the front door and me and my brother stood in that living room while my dad sat on the front couch closes to the door. He was wearing a baby blue t-shirt that we had made for him with our pictures on it, me and my brother. He opened up his arms to motion for us to come to him. We came. He hugged us, and whispered in our ears "are you sure you do not want to come live with me." We did not answer.

I remember feeling confused. Why would we leave? Why would we leave our house? What about our mom? See, my dad from what I can remember was not to nice to my mom. He drank, he thought he was the "man" of our family and (my feeling now) he was often full of crap. I can say that now became of the journey I have had without my dad. When I was five I was not thinking of playing or singing or having fun, I was thinking about why the heck this man left our family.

And so the feeling of loneliness begun for me, at the age of 5. I was lonely.

I often pray that my children would never feel that same loneliness that I had to feel at such a young age. Mind-you I am blessed with the most amazing, caring, family loving man; I doubt that my kids will ever have to experience my same pain. I find comfort in that Jesus is living in our family and walking with us each day. Maybe that is why I was thinking about this time in my life?

Rebekah ask me from across the dinner table the other night, "Mom, did you ever have a dad?" I was shocked a bit. I looked at her and said "Yes, but he decided to leave us when I was little." She looked down in confusion as did I. Not really knowing how to continue explaining to her why my dad choose to leave and have a separate life apart from his kids, and to be honest I may never know and that is OK with me. A long time ago I trusted Christ and allowed him to help me forgive my dad. If ever there is a time when he would like to reenter my life I will be open to it but not hopeful that it will happen. My hope lies in my heavenly father that LOVES and ADORES me more than anyone on this earth ever could. That excites me, brings me joy and allows me to love people. I am not an abandon child I am a child of God!!!

Psalm 13:5
But I trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

5 years old!