He Loves Us So!

I went through my kids rooms today and looked at all their crap. Oh the toys and junk that they have. We vow to clean their rooms in hopes to be able to give their toys to children that really do not have any. I often wonder what happened to my toys. I know my mom saved some dear ones for me like my little snoopy that Rebekah has now and a Cabbage Patch Kid that my dad had bought for me, that Rebekah has now. Those where the only two toys that where kept from my childhood.

Oh the toys I had. I had Strawberry shortcake and all her friends, I had my room doused in all her stuff, I had stuffed animals, board games, the first Cabbage Patch kids, and Barbies (every little girl’s want). But not only did I have a Barbie I had Ken, and their pool side friends, with the pool and the pink corvette, the doll house with all the furniture and all the clothes and I even had the pink deluxe RV!!! I truly believe that there was not a single thing my dad would not buy for me. But all I ever really wanted was a dad that would stay.

I sometimes find myself doing this with Rebekah and Caleb. When I feel like a crappy parent I tend to lean on buying them something. I find myself wanting to give them things to show them my love and that is not what I want to do. I want to be able to show them love from my examples of affection to them. But that is difficult for me since I did not really have that kind of love growing up. It was always a toy or clothes or some thing that showed me that.

I rest in knowing that I am able to love my kids through Christ. God’s love is unconditional. It is a love that has no end, it is not jealous, and it does not boast. His love endures forever. Before I meat John Mark I came to understand and felt God’s amazing love for me. His love teaches me how to love my kids without giving them things. To love them with words, affection, and time spent together. But my doubt in myself has left it difficult for me to constantly remember that love. I tend often to go back to my old ways and get frustrated with myself.

It was a few weeks ago that our church had a prayer night. I was not exactly sure why I was going but I did. The kids where in there class room and I attended the service. It was moving and here God got a hold of my heart. I went for prayer. I was prayed over and I was sobbing. I needed God to teach me how to mother. “How do I do that!” I cried out. I ran to where the kids where and grabbed Rebekah and took her with me to the sanctuary where everyone was still praying and worshiping. I knelt down on my knees, held her and said “I am so sorry, I love you more than you will ever know and I need God’s help to be a good mommy!” Rebekah looked at me with heart filled eyes and stroked my head. She held me at the altar and said “Dear Jesus, love my mommy. I love her. She is a good mommy.” I cried uncontrollably.

God showed me that I am not perfect. I can’t be. I can only continue to be open to him changing me and that will take a life time I am sure. That night at the altar with Rebekah it reminded me that I do not have to be like my past, I can walk in confidence toward the future that Christ has richly given to me and my family.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.