He is With Me

There are often times when I just completely forget that God loves me so. It is hard for me to think of a heavenly father that wraps his arms around me in love when I only remember love from my dad wrapped in a price tag. So when my son grabs me out of the blue and holds me and whispers in my ear “I love you mommy.” I remember. Caleb will often do this when I am at a point of frustration or feel alone or just have nothing left. He reaches for me and says “let me give you kisses, let me hold you.” It is in these moments that I know God is with me. I feel like he uses my kids to speak directly to my soul. To reassure me that he is here and that he is in control.

I can not truly explain the depth of hurt I have when it comes to my dad. It took me years to be able to call God my heavenly Father. Every time that word “Father” is said I get a flash of light with my dad’s face on it in my head. Although the daily pain of my dad leaving me is no longer there, there is still hurt that runs to the core of my heart. I struggle with the fact that my kids will never know him or that the only phone call I will ever get from him or about him is when it will be time to say good bye.

The other day my Father-in-Law called the house and I answered. I said “who is this?” He said “Your Father (long pause), your Father-in-law.” I felt my heart sink to my stomach and I stopped breathing. For one second I really thought it was my dad calling me for what ever reason. That made me think about what I would actually do if he did call. And I came to the conclusion that I would NOT hang up.

So when I look at Caleb and Rebekah and I think about their Father, what joy, what a blessing!!! To know that they will always have the heart of John Mark is wonderful. To know that they have a dad that will never leave them behind is a gift. For me to know that God is with me is my life!