Day 36 of 40

I was hit with the most crazy news today. I am not sure how I truly feel about this but I am willing to pray it out and seek God in it all without my own wants or desires. See for the past 6 years John Mark has with out hesitation been behind me 100% as I went after Robeck Design, then my MBA, then being asked to be a part of the board of ENALCE USA, and yet even now supporting and helping me to launch De Paz Products. He has been the man behind the scene and I can not even put into words how blessed I am by his giving.

Today though was all about him. All about God's calling on his life. Our friend asked him to come and do three months in El Salvador this next summer. Three months in El Salvador does not seem so attractive to me but working to pursue God's call on our lives does. It makes me want to yell out NO with all my flesh because I HATE the heat and the bugs LOVE LOVE LOVE me! That just makes me angry. See here is where my true self comes out, all self absorbed and only thinking of me. After all that is how I lived the majority of my life and sometimes it still creeps up on me. But when I think of my family and more about JM I can not deny the call and gifts that God has on his life and ours as a family.

He is the most amazing teacher I have ever come across and the best communicator of God's word I know. And I am not just saying that because I love him. He truly is. So here I stand on the 36th day of this fast wanting to say no but willing to say yes. When he told me what he would be doing it was the best painting I could ever see. It could be the best move I could ever make in my own life. I am afraid to be alone. There it is. I like what we have here and I know God is always with us. So as I have seen God provide in the most amazing ways I never would have thought I would be sitting here thinking about how this could be. And the way this story plays out is that He will. He will provide all the money and provide the time from JM's work.

"Oh Lord you have been so faithful and I almost feel like all the blessings in the past month have been too much. It is far greater than I would have ever dreamed or could imagine, but I guess I was praying for just that! Here is where you are asking me to die to myself...am I willing, I am with a fearful heart as I feel like I am not the best mommy, but a better provider mom! How will my family work, what will I do, how will there be enough money...How...who really cares huh! Only you can make all that happen and I am thankful. So I pray that I will not care as to the how but will pray for your will to be done!"